Probably Should’ve Left

April 25

Today, I passed up an opportunity to make a break for it. 

The boss mistakenly thought I was scheduled to leave on the last helicopter to Togiak because I had previously inquired about the cost of getting off the ship in Alaska instead of sailing back to Seattle. He called me into his office, handed me a leave of abscence form to sign and said I leave tomorrow. Completely surprised, I told him I had never made arrangements to leave. He laughed, crumpled the paper in his fist and threw it over his shoulder.

I returned downstairs to the factory and immediately chided myself for always playing it safe. Why not just leave tomorrow? They thought I already was. Why do I feel the need to have a money safety cushion? I’ve already made enough to go to Europe. And I have time to figure out a way to make more money later on. 

Then I began to evaluate my mental health situation and thought, “Leave. It will be good for your mental health. You struggle too much here.” Then a personal problem came soaring out of my mind’s left field and I ended up fighting a panic attack for three and a half hours while we were packing frozen blocks of herring into boxes.

Good news: I won the fight. Bad news: I’m a mess.

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