Flight and Maybe Fight

April 8

Public note to self: Once internet is available, research more about what happens with adrenaline for someone who has an anxiety disorder.

I am increasingly having moments on this ship when I feel the overwhelming need to run. Literally, to start moving my legs super fast and to run away. Sometimes – more rarely – I feel defensive and angry toward people. I’ve actually started punching walls.

These things happen when I’m upset or stressed about something. But, curiously, it happens randomly when I’m doing ordinary tasks like scrubbing walls in the factory or laying down in my bunk to go to sleep. Out of peaceful silence my brain starts screaming, “Run. Run! Run, now. Get out!”

The only problem is, if I listened and really started running, I could run for only a minute or two before I plunged into icy water. Maybe that’s where the panic comes from: Knowing that I’m trapped, like on a floating Alcatraz with no escape and dangerous ocean on all sides.

The control panel says to do it, too.



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